Domain Maximus

The Home Stretch

At the outset a little senti I think is in place. This will probably be the

last Random Insane Mumblings before the 2s leave, and I know atleast a few who

will leave after the placements. Introspection, I thought, let that be the

topic of this parting gift so to say. Any lack of humour is purely

consequential and unintentional. Like Fatty’s PPO.

It was Shaggy’s signature that set me thinking of an old intellectual adventure

of mine. Sometime during my second job it dawned on me that the brain wasn’t

all that it was made up to be. I mean I had three bosses, and not one of them

did anything to prove they had one. My belly button had enough IQ to do what I

did everyday. My elbow would give the CEO a run for his money. The brain was a

bystander, helpless. Sort of like me after class, waiting for Kabra’s dbabs.

That Kabra guy is good. With one 4 word dbab he can lay my life waste. For

example, “Meet Rekha Jain. Now.” Brrrr…

If I were god, I’d make Dilbert a prophet and the collected works my Bible. I

remember walking to my HR guys cubicle one day and noticing the softboard all

around plastered with A3 size sheets. There he was, poor Chidambaram, wallowing

in a sea of white with grey English and Tamil font. Upon interrogation, he

detailed a mirthful tale. The Company Inspector or some such character, upon

his inspection, noted a glaring shortfall.

“Where are the employees rights and minimum wage rules? They are to be

displayed prominently. It is law”

“But I dont have an office or notice board”

“I dont care. Put it up where you can see it everyday.”

“But I only have a cubicle!!!”

“Cubicle, shmubicle!!! Then put it up on the walls dear man!!!”

Thus there was poor Chidambaram, sitting in his 5 by 5 foot cubicle surrounded

by wall to wall photocopies. It goes without saying that the sublime white

blended well with the olive green and wood stain decor present all around. That

day I knew I was meant for a higher calling. That I would do something that

would make me enough money to do all the things I ever wanted.

All the things I ever wanted:

1. Watch all the football world cups live. Be there, get surrounded by sweaty

bodies, drunk Colombians or cordial English hooligans. See someone score a goal

a million miles away at the other end of the pitch. Scream with a million

voices, stand up, sit down, do the Mexican wave. Replays can go to hell. Viva

Brazil!!! Viva Espana!!! Viva Kerala Police!!!

2. Buy a little cottage in Kodai and run a cafe. That has to be one of my

greatest goals. Retire to the peace and quiet of that pristine hill station.

Serve overpriced Cappucino and adulterated Espresso to German tourists who are

suckers for “culture” and such other rarities back home. Tell them it tastes

like that cos its made from organic ayurvedic “kundithevidiya” flowers. In

short a simple honest life. If them Germans dont like it, they can go to

Brazil.

3. Write a book. Make millions in royalty. And that too with no sex in the

book. I refuse to write romance. I think all authors who write sex in their

work, are bloody deprived. They are all just living their own personal

fantasies. What else can explain Stevenson’s “Long John Silver”? Bloody

impotent I tell you. My book will be either a) “Obesity for Dummies” under the

penname Adipose Dev Prahlad or b) “Dress Sharp: Apparel in orange and magenta”

and my piece de resistance c) “Weightloss and other unexplained phenomena”.

Bestsellers, all of them.

4. Make a movie full of mystery and suspense. I was thinking “The XXXL Files:

Your size is out there”.

5. Invent something. Something so popular they’ll talk about me in the same

breath as O.L. Johnny and Pattom Thanu Pillai (both world-famous in Kerala).

Something useful yet innovative. Like a software that replaces every word with

more than seven letters in a business document with “crap”. Or, even better,

something that makes every woman you see look like Sylvia Saint, or Mulund if

you have the Muthu frame of mind.

Aaah… much indeed do I have left to do in life. And thankfully I dont have to

be an investment banker, or a consultant, or even spectacularly employed to do

a lot of it. And thus I deftly come to the fag end of my mumblings.

The last few days, what with shortlists coming out, and all. Its been ups and

downs for a lot of people. Which reminded me of a fable, if you could so call

it, my placecom prof. at college told me. Dr. Mathru was a kickass prof. Rich

in metaphor and anecdote. Though I do not know how appropriate it is, I might

as well give it a shot. He said, your job is like arranged marriage. When you

start looking for the woman/man of your dreams, you want everything, family,

money, beauty, booty, minimum siblings, maximum property, education or cooking

skills etc.

And no one ever gets that one in a million special person they’re looking for.

They try real real hard, but they never really make it. And then finally after

months, years of hard work marriage happens. Sometimes in all the wrong ways.

And then it all doesnt matter anymore after a while. Years down the line, you

dont care two hoots about all that you wanted and all the wonderful alliances

that didnt happen. You just praise the lord for what you have. And its the best

thing in the world as far as you know. Four years ago it made great sense to

me. If it doesnt to you, its ok.

Best of luck to all of you guys. Go forth brave and return victorious. No

“alliance” is worth clouding your last few weeks here at IIMA with doubt, fear

or regret. Shortlists will come and go, offers will come and go, and in keeping

with the trends, this Random Insane Mumblings too has come… and gone…

May your alliance make you praise the lord as well…

God Bless. Make us fachchas proud.

Fatcat.